Appa.

I know i've never lived up to your "Korean son" expectation of me. To be honest, i doubt i ever will and it saddens me beyond words. You said you hated tattoos and those people on Miami Ink had to be absolutely crazy to get that much tattoos done, and yet i went and got myself tattooed anyway. I still remember the morning when you found out about mine, the look of disappointment on your face, the loss of words at my impulsive behaviour. I'll remember it till the day i die, and the regret of my silly actions might just be the cause of my death. 

You had it tough, growing up in rural Korea where even a simple egg was hard to come by. I recall all the stories you told me about your boxer Dad bringing home food that was back then, almost impossible to get for a family of your status. You had a rough upbringing, and that's why you're so strict with my siblings and i. We totally understand that, and i speak up for them. It's just that sometimes i hate being a half-Korean kid you know? How many a times i wished Omma never married you. How many a times i prayed so hard that you'd just go back to America and leave us alone. 

Stupidity, that's all i have to say to myself for such mean thoughts. 

I'm sorry i used the F word on you the last time we fought. It's just that children under strict regulations from their parents can go down 2 roads ; either we become good children and obey you guys or we turn into little demons rebelling against the laws of your house. Sad to say, i fall under the category of the latter. 

I love all the times when we were younger and we went cycling together every weekend, or the fruitful fishing trips to Bedok Jetty. Or just sitting in the truck you used to have listening to the radio. I love everything we used to have, and i really want to experience all that again. Just one more time and my life would be complete. We hardly talk nowadays, you're always under so much stress from work and i'm always either on the comp or not at home at all. I never spared a thought for you and i'm sorry. I'm a disappointment i bet you wished you never had a piece of crap son like me, i'm confident you wanted a son who could speak fluent Korean and play golf with you in Johor. 

I'm not one to regret, not at all. But being a son as i am, i feel the greatest regret of any child. 

Omma once said, "Children are supposed to be the greatest joy to their parents." And i totally ignored her. Now those words weigh as heavy as a thousand anvils in my mind. 

If Omma hadn't told me, i wouldn't have known you were 60 this year. But now i know, and now i'm saying though you'll never read this. 

Happy Birthday Appa, i love you more than any other son loves their Dad in the world.

Yours Mischieviously,

Christian.

P.S. : Although i'm trying to cut the flow of disappointment, it will come soon. In the form of your son not following your wishes and migrating to the States with you. For that you have my thousand apologies.